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Lecture given on 2nd February 2005 at Musolla al Zahrawi as part of the Islamic Awareness Week by Professor Omar Hasan Kasule
INTRODUCTION
A successful Muslim family has the following distinguishing characteristics: balancing rights and responsibilities, good leadership, and habits for success.
1.0 RIGHTS and RESPONSIBILITIES
1.1 Balance between rights and responsibilities: Each member of the family husband wife, or child, has both rights and responsibilities. Many families fail because they cannot find the right equilibrium between the two. The family will succeed if each member knows their rights and responsibilities. There should be a balance between the two. In a healthy family, members fulfill their obligations and responsibilities before demanding their rights.
1.2 Child rearing: Both parents are jointly responsible for the upbringing of their children (aqidat, emotional, physical, psychological, and social), both can undertake any responsibility but division of labor is more efficient such that each parent does what they are best at. It is the primary duty of both parents to save the family from hell-fire. This responsibility starts with teaching of religion, character and behavior.
1.3 Division of labor: Women are emotionally and psychologically equipped for child rearing. They have traditionally been left to care for children. The traditional roles of the spouses may be changing. Traditionally men were providers and decision-makers. Women were housekeepers, preparers of meals, and caretakers of children. Women are now being involved in many societal activities outside the home. There has been no corresponding increase in men's home responsibilities with the result that the family ends up as the ultimate loser.
1.4 Conjugal rights: Each of the spouses has rights and responsibilities to the other. The husband has the right to enjoy the body of his wife. The wife has the right to sexual enjoyment, financial support, nafaqat, and good company, mu'asharat.
2.0 LEADERSHIP IN THE FAMILY:
2.1 Qawaamat
The husband is the legal and customary head of the family. His position of leadership, qawamat al rajul[1] is based on having more responsibilities. He is a leader and not a dictator. His leadership means carrying more responsibility. His is not a power relationship but a relationship of service, love, and consideration. The husband should not be an overlord high above the rest of the family members. He should partake of domestic work. He must be directly involved in the happiness and sorrow of the family.
2.2 Family security
The husband is legally responsible for the financial up keeping of the family. He should provide financial security for his family within reasonable limits. Whatever the husband spends on his family is sadaqa. The husband also has the duty to protect his family both physically and emotionally.
2.3 Responsibilities outside the home
The man has more legally binding social responsibilities outside the house. If these were given to the woman the family unit as we know it would disappear because she would then have little time or energy for the family.
2.4 Wife’s leadership role
There are many aspects of the family's life in which the wife's leadership must be recognized because she is the specialist. The prophet recognized this role as a caretaker of the home, al mar at raa’iyat fi bayt zawjiha[2]. The extent of the wife’s responsibility varies by culture and custom for example women of the ansaar played a bigger role that women of the Quraish in Madina[3]. The wife is the primary educator of children. She has more impact on shaping their character and personality. The wife is better suited to assure psychological well being of the whole family. Breast-feeding and psychological bonding to mother make her a model personality. She has to live up to the expectations in order that the children will grow up well.
2.5 Obedience and mutual consultation
The wife and children must obey the head of the family in order to keep the family united and orderly. He in turn should listen to and respect the opinions and interests of all members of the family. A family cannot survive if there are two equal and competing heads. A wife who wants the success of her family and its happiness will defer to the husband's leadership role.
3.0 SUCCESS OF THE FAMILY
3.1 Habits for success of the family: The family must be developed spiritually by remembering Allah often, praying in the home regularly, inculcating iman in the children, following the sunnat and reading the Qur’an regularly especially surat baqara.
3.2 Education
The family’s education must be taken care of. Both the spouses and children have to be taught. Book and audio-visual libraries must be provided. Good and righteous persons should be invited to visit the home. Visits should be exchanged only with good families. Irreligious people or those known to be involved in sins should not be allowed into the home.
3.3 Monitoring and control
The family should be treated as a small social unit. Shura should be established by discussing family matters with the spouse and children. Problems are solved amicably and within the family. Children should not be allowed to see differences or conflicts between the parents. The head of the family must exercise control over family activities with compassion and firmness. He should monitor what the children are doing. Make sure that the family follows fixed meal and sleep times. All members of the family should cooperate in the household work. Members of the family can joke and have fun with one another.
3.4 Economy
Waste and extravagance must be avoided. Waste leads to poverty. What is wasted could have been helpful to some one else in the community. A life of hyper-consumerism is un-Islamic. The family should buy only what it needs. It is even advisable to buy less than what are thought to be the needs, because the needs are often over-estimated. The temptation to always 'want' things should be resisted. Showing off or competing must be avoided. Indebtedness must be avoided. A debt is an instrument of enslavement. A debtor soon finds himself telling lies. He will also take more debts to pay old ones and will not get out of this vicious circle. A few debts are inevitable; most others are a result of unnecessary expenditures.
3.5 Home privacy and security:
In order for members of the family to interact and develop the necessary bonds, they need time together isolated from the rest of the community. This is ensured by maintaining a certain degree of privacy in home. The privacy of the home must be guarded jealously. Family secrets should be kept within the home.
All members of the family must feel secure in their home. Involved here is not only physical and financial security but also psychological and emotional security. Members of the family may have to make sacrifices to make sure that their families are secure. The sacrifice may be time, financial or even accepting some inconveniences and humiliations.
[1] 4:34
[2] Bukhari K43 B20
[3] Bukhari K46 B25